Food for Thought
by duvalia
Summary: Ghost doesn't think it's mere coincidence that his balaclavas start going missing as Roach begins to act oddly.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This was listed as "Secret Story (humor)" in the poll on my profile (go vote!) but it's probably closer to being a crack fic. This is a pretty random story to say the least.

**Warning:** This _isn't _a slash fic nor is there an underlying romantic relationship between the characters. However, this story is filled with some situations that are _borderline_. Not so much in this chapter, but the next. Basically, if you're homophobic, don't read. Tolerant, it's not too much to handle. Slash lover, it's a tease.

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Ghost blew softly into his mug to cool his tea before taking a tentative sip, and pleased with the temperature drank more. MacTavish sat across from him, a mug of black coffee in front of him and a newspaper in his hands.

"Paper's a bit behind, don't you think?" Ghost asked as he placed his tea on the table.

"Can't always trust technology," MacTavish answered, his eyes still focused on his reading. The XO made a noise in agreement. Scarecrow had been tinkering with something or another and as a result all communications had been down for the past twenty-eight hours. Ghost was rather grateful for it considering it prolonged the time they wouldn't be hearing from Shepherd, but that also meant John didn't have access to news on whatever was going on in the world. The man had picked up a newspaper sometime that morning.

"MacTavish?"

"Hm?"

"Have you seen my masks? They've been disappearing lately." Ghost scanned the mess hall, studying each of the Task Force members present. His rank as a lieutenant did nothing to dissuade the others from messing with him. With all the pranks everyone pulled on each other, one would've thought they were a fraternity and not a team of war hardened soldiers.

He looked back at his CO, who responded with a simple "No," after taking a drink from his mug. Ghost scanned the room again and spotted Roach as he walked in and took a seat by Chemo and Meat. "MacTavish?"

The Scotsman let out a breath and placed his newspaper on the table, his attention shifting to the XO. "Yes, Riley?"

"You notice anything different about Roach?"

MacTavish didn't bother to follow Riley's gaze, which he knew was focused on the sergeant. "Like what?"

"For one, he shaves _everything_."

"Been letting your eyes wander?" the Scot joked. Despite himself, Ghost felt his face heat up at the insinuation. Soap chuckled. "Okay, I'll play your game. So what if he does?"

"He didn't always do it. And pretty soon after he did, my masks started disappearing."

MacTavish raised an eyebrow. "You always pay attention to these details?"

"Piss off," Ghost growled. "You know how prone Roach is to getting injured. I was stitching him up last week and he was like one of those hairless cats."

"Maybe he got himself a lass," MacTavish offered, not thinking much about Ghost's discovery.

"He's been leaving base at night."

"Gary's free to come and go as he pleases."

"Why doesn't he bring her here then?"

"You'd have to ask him."

Ghost hesitated, unsure if he wanted to tell the captain what he caught Roach doing. "I saw him dancing and singing along with musicals in his room."

MacTavish burst out laughing, causing some of the others to look over. "You thinking he's gay?" he whispered. "And how does your missing balaclavas fit into this?"

"Because he's in the closet! He's hiding his identity when he goes out and does his… _thing_."

The Scotsman looked at him curiously as if debating whether or not Ghost was serious in his suggestions. "You really think so? The two _can _be completely unrelated."

"Call it a gut instinct."

"Liquid shaves everything," MacTavish offered after a moment.

Ghost finished the rest of his tea and pulled his mask up to cover his face once more. He refused to remove the balaclava completely as it was his last one. Fuck if it went missing too. "Liquid swims, shaving keeps him streamlined."

"What about Trojan?"

"He's a whore. He likes to keep it clean for the ladies."

"Archer?"

The lieutenant thought a moment. "I never knew that actually."

"There's a lot of things you don't know about, Ghost." MacTavish chuckled as he folded up his newspaper.

"You know what that bugger's been up to, don't you?" Riley accused the captain.

"Can't say that I do." MacTavish stood, picking up his mug before drinking the rest of his coffee. "Why don't you just ask him?"

"Like he'd tell me.

"Maybe you're just his type."

"He seems to have taken a better liking to you," Ghost retaliated.

"And maybe we've both been keeping a secret from you," MacTavish finished as he picked up his newspaper. "Don't think about it too much," he added before walking off.

Ghost let his CO leave, knowing the man had more reports to finish before the day was through. The offhanded comment about the captain and Roach having some sort of secret relationship obviously wasn't true, but the lieutenant had a feeling that the Scotsman really did know what Roach was up to.

He watched Roach, knowing the reflective lenses of the sunglasses he currently wore hid what he was truly focused on studying. The sergeant was laughing at some obscene hand gestures Chemo was making to go along with Meat's story, but Roach's body was slightly tense as if he knew he was being watched and his eyes seemed to be scanning the area. When they made eye contact, despite the fact Roach wasn't sure whether Ghost was looking at him or not, a corner of the sergeant's mouth turned up in a smirk as if bragging that he knew something Riley didn't.

Ghost casually stood, taking his mug with him and headed towards his room. Maybe his body would finally let him sleep for once, though Doc told him the reason for his insomnia was his fear that he wouldn't be able to sleep.

The lieutenant closed the door to his room and pulled off his mask and sunglasses as he felt an oncoming yawn. He blinked his watered eyes, ready to call it a night despite the fact the sun was still out when he noticed three of his four missing balaclavas grinning back at him from atop his bed. Ghost had no way of proving it was Roach, but fuck if he wasn't going to strangle the sergeant the next time he saw him.  
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"Ghost is getting frustrated," MacTavish chuckled as he lit his cigarette with a match, before blowing it out and tossing it aside.

Roach laughed in response, the smoke circles he was trying to blow not so circular. "I returned most of them."

MacTavish had checked on the lieutenant earlier only to find the man sprawled across his bed, dead to the world. It was a rare moment for Ghost to be so deep asleep, so the Scot had left him alone.

"Annnnd… not only did I return most of them, but they're all nice and clean," Roach bragged, lightly grazing the end of his cigarette along the wall so he could save it for later.

"He's beginning to think you're a part of a male escort service."

The sergeant laughed again, clearly amused as Soap was by the XO's ignorance in the matter. "Where'd he get that idea?"

"He caught you practicing your sing-a-longs. And I might've suggested to him we were fucking behind his back." MacTavish joked. He may have been Riley's superior, but that didn't put him above messing with the usually stoic Brit.

"That's fucking awesome." Roach doubled over in hysterics and as he composed himself he glanced at his watch again, knowing his time was almost up and that he was expected elsewhere. "Ah, shit. I have to go," he uttered, getting ready to head back inside. "You should come. And bring Ghost!"

"I didn't enjoy that first time," Soap muttered, blowing his smoke into the sergeant's face.

Roach snickered. "Sorry about that."

From the look on the sergeant's face, he knew Roach wasn't sorry at all, but he returned the smile with a small smirk of his own. "Fine. I'll bring Ghost. And maybe you can give him that last balaclava of his."

The grin on Roach's face disappeared as he pulled a familiar skull mask from his pocket and slipped it over his head, then headed inside. MacTavish followed the young man into the building but stopped by the lieutenant's room. He knocked on the door and after getting no response let himself inside. Ghost was, for the most part, how Soap had left him earlier except the Englishman had mostly disrobed, now only clad in his boxers and an undershirt.

"Oi numpty, get up," MacTavish yelled, throwing a fallen pillow onto the sleeping man. Ghost merely grumbled and turned onto his side, hugging the pillow the Scot had thrown at him. "Don't you want to know what Roach has been up to?"

There was a slight pause in Ghost's steady breathing which informed MacTavish that the man was indeed awake and apparently still interested in the sergeant's nightly activities. However, the moment soon passed and the lieutenant seemed content to remain in bed.

Knowing the XO hated the smell of cigarettes because it brought back a desire to smoke one himself, Soap let out a lungful of smoke blowing it in Ghost's direction. He smiled when he got the reaction he'd expected.

"You bloody wanker! You're smoking in my room again!" Ghost growled as he got up and used his pillow to dissipate the cancerous cloud. "I don't know why I have to take orders from an immature bastard like you."

MacTavish ignored the comment, but did crush his cigarette against his empty pack. "Get dressed. And ditch the mask or you might end up getting mistaken for Roach."

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**A/N:** What is Roach hiding from Ghost? Next part up soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: **This turned out gayer than I expected, but it's not as descriptive as it would've been had my intention been slash.

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Ghost looked around the room and noted there was an alarmingly disproportional ratio of men to women. Other than MacTavish and himself there were only three other men in the room. Most groups also had one woman with a wedding veil or something celebratory to set them apart from the rest.

"What is this place?" Ghost asked, feeling uncomfortable with the looks he was getting from the women. It was like he was a piece of meat and they were more than willing to ravage him if given the chance.

MacTavish once again ignored his question and merely motioned for a waitress to come over. He ordered several drinks, which Ghost knew were overpriced, but the Scot didn't seem to care.

The chatter around the room began to subside as the lights dimmed and Ghost noted several silhouettes standing around on the stage, which was suddenly bathed in light revealing three pairs of men dressed like fancy waiters.

"Seriously MacTavish, what is this?" Ghost looked over at the captain who was casually sipping from his glass.

"Just watch."

As if on cue, music started playing, a song Ghost recognized as 'Big Spender'. "Don't tell me this is some musical."

"Just watch," Soap simply repeated again.

Ghost took a drink from his own glass and shifted his attention back to the stage where the men started singing along with the music changing some of the lyrics to reflect a man's point of view and with that came raunchier lyrics.

"…_good looking, from behind…"_

Ghost nearly went deaf as the room exploded with screams as the men on stage simultaneously pulled off their shirts and tossed them aside. The level of discomfort he was feeling only increased as one man moved away from the rest and dropped to the floor so he was lying on his back, feet planted on the floor, hips in the air. A spotlight shone on the lone dancer and he thrust his hips upward with each beat, sending the women into another frenzy of screams and whistles. Two men behind the lone dancer were dry humping the floor, while the remaining performers each traced a hand down their bare chests and slipped it behind the band of their trousers.

It seemed as the actions became more sexual in nature, Riley began to feel more uncomfortable, but the women around him became more riled up. At a gentlemen's club men calmly watched as the women danced around, swinging their hips and showing their goods. The guests here were screaming from the tops of their lungs and louder as the last beat of the song sounded and the men pulled off their trousers in simple, quick moves. Ghost decided women were animals.

"Having fun?" MacTavish laughed as he looked over.

"Why are we here again?"

"Feeling uncomfortable?"

Ghost downed his shot of liquor, feeling somewhat relaxed but definitely still on edge. "Everything's clicking into place, that's for sure."

MacTavish encouraged the lieutenant to drink more, which Ghost went along with happily. He continued to watch the performers with a detached eye, studying them from a purely artistic point of view. The dancers were decent, sometimes losing their place in a song, but the women didn't seem to mind as long as the men were half-naked.

Ghost felt his eyes adjust as the stage once again went black and a silhouette of a solitary man moved to the center of the stage. Another song cued, which soundly oddly familiar.

The man on stage began moving with a grace none of the other performers seemed to have. His movements were _trained_, feather light footsteps, a smooth flow of limbs, and maneuvers Ghost was more familiar with doing himself. A spotlight switched on and there, on stage, stood a man dressed in fatigues and Ghost's missing balaclava.

"I'm going to fucking kill him!" Riley yelled, standing up, but soon sat back in his seat as a sudden wave of dizziness overcame him. However, seeing the mask had an opposite effect on the crowd and they once more erupted in screams and whistles.

"Relax mate," John muttered ordering another round of drinks from the waitress. As the two of them made up almost half the male population in the audience and were the only men seated _together_, their waitress had paid more than enough attention to their needs.

"You don't seem too surprised," Ghost accused as more 'soldiers' made their way on stage, but stayed out of Roach's spotlight.

"Roach asked me to come his first time. He's become somewhat of an idol since then… especially because of that skull mask of yours."

"So he's parading around as a stripper in _my _balaclava?"

John chuckled. "He prefers erotic male dancer."

The lieutenant huffed and turned his attention back to the stage where Roach was taking his time unbuttoning his top, slowly revealing lean muscle and deep scars. It was a sight Ghost was used to seeing, having kicked the sergeant's arse on more than one occasion, but the circumstances now were unquestionably different.

The rest of the performers were bigger both in size and muscle, but apparently something about the authenticity of a battle scarred soldier like Roach drove the women crazy.

"Simon." His name was said with such authority that Ghost slightly sobered and looked back at his CO. "Play along," MacTavish ordered.

"What?" Riley's question was lost in the screams as something happened on stage. Roach was pressing a hand against the front of his trousers and moving his hips in motion with the beat of the song, actions that, from the look in his eyes, the sergeant seemed to be enjoying very much. The contrast of the grin on the mask to the dark lusty look in Gary's eyes as they somehow looked into each member of the audience, including Ghost himself, made the women swoon.

The original song faded, leading into a faster paced one and each performer made his way off the stage and into the audience. Ghost felt his nerves go on edge as he lost sight of Roach and nearly jumped when a hand ghosted over his shoulder and a body suddenly straddled his lap.

Smokey gray eyes and a permanent grin looked back at him as Roach bucked in his lap in time with each beat. If Ghost had thought he'd almost gone deaf from mortar fire, it was nothing close to the ear splitting screams of the women who were watching Roach at work.

Gary straightened then arched his body backwards so he faced MacTavish, while Ghost was treated to lean muscle and hips with trousers that rode lower than regulation. The Scot was holding in a laugh, but took everything in stride as he slowly pulled the mask off of Roach, which the sergeant then took back between his teeth.

Without using his hands, Roach once again righted himself and stood over Riley before slipping the mask onto its rightful owner. Ghost glared back, but Roach merely smirked, moved his face mere inches from Riley's and pressed his lips against the lieutenant's skeletal grin. Ghost took a swing at Roach, but his alcohol induced state along with the sergeant's newfound grace allowed Roach to slip away unharmed to entertain another guest.

"Looks good on you." MacTavish had dropped the façade and was now doubled over in laughter, the alcohol having made its way through his system as well.

"Fuck off," Ghost mumbled, pulling the bottom half of his balaclava up as the waitress brought them another round of drinks.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghost leaned on the wall next to MacTavish who had another cigarette set between his lips. He'd long since put away his mask as quite a number of women had come up to him for a picture, but the action still hadn't stopped the asking entirely.

"You do know that those crazed people think we're a couple, right?" Ghost muttered. MacTavish shrugged, not caring either way. "You're not… gay, are you?" he continued after a moment.

"John's not gay and neither am I," Roach answered instead as he walked over, dressed in a pullover hoodie and jeans. "And the majority of guys who do this aren't either."

Ghost narrowed his eyes. "Straight men don't move their hips like that."

Roach smiled. "You want me to teach you?"

"I bet you could _teach_ me quite a few things," Riley murmured invading the sergeant's personal space. Not one to back down from a challenge, Roach remained firm, but instead of kissing him as Gary had expected, Ghost grabbed one arm and flipped the sergeant; he landed hard on the stone sidewalk, flat on his back.

"You know what? Fuck you, Simon," Roach laughed, before MacTavish held out a hand to help the man up. He brushed the dirt from his clothes as best he could then pulled out a money fan of fives, tens and twenties. "I'm a good sport, so I'll treat you to some dinner. Five Guys?"

"Not enough of a sausage fest for you Sanderson?"

"Shut up, it's a burger place."

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**A/N:** This little bit of crack inspired by a conversation I had with my mom. She asked me if I had ever eaten at Five Guys. My initial thought was that it was a gay bar or at least something along the lines of Chippendales. I figured the Task Force boys are all muscled/built, so being eye candy for crowds of women seemed liked a good storyline.

**Disclaimer:** For the first "dance" I referenced a Chippendales video I found online. Roach's performance, however, is all mine.


End file.
